"less strictly constitutional and more strictly awesome"

the onion strikes again!


Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

as cartman would say, that's "hella cool!"

~thorns

to my out, proud, grammatically challenged friend

i'm not quite a social butterfly so i've only made a few friends here in colorado. an even fewer number of them have risen to a level which ranks having their number stored in my phone. this is only important because i recently got a text message from a number that was NOT in my familiar contact list and that i've never seen before. the message seemed heartfelt and was of such interest that i thought you all should know exactly what my anonymous text-friend shared with me:

"your important to me, so i wanted you to be the first to know. i'm a lesbian, always have been."

and with that....my mystery texter vanished like a feathered dandelion frond in the wind. i'm honored that my clandestine friend thinks so highly of me and would confide such a deeply personal revelation...via text.

thank you, mystery friend. thank you.

~thorns

frosty thought

"One could do worse than be a swinger of birches."

(link)

what to do, what to do

i have a dillema and i'm hoping y'all can help me decide what to do. this past week, we went to a local farmers market in search of some locally produced fruits and vegetables. tangent --> as i'll explain in a future post (unplug yourself: part two), it's important to buy locally. buying locally supports the small farmer, contributes to the regional economy, and cuts down on the amount of fossil fuels consumed during the production/transportation of whatever it is you purchase. digressing...anyway....

i was desperately searching for local peaches and found them at only one of the few dozen booths that crowded the weekly market in woodland park, co. as i stood in line waiting my turn, i heard the proprietor (which i use very loosely here) haggling with a gentleman in front of me. the man asked the vendor very politely how many apricots constitute a "basket" and then asked the price. the man was in his 80's, dressed in a plaid button-down shirt, flat-brimmed cap, and navy blue work pants, and he gave the impression that he perhaps once grew his own produce but has now been reduced to scouring local markets for his 'taters-n-greens.

the vendor, a teenage female clad in a sloppy t-shirt with her slick hair pulled back into an angry knot on the back of her head, told him how many peaches he'd be getting for 5 dollars. the man asked if she'd be willing to take 3 dollars since the apricots were small and the girl indignantly told him that they had the only local apricots at the market so she COULD charge whatever she wanted and that he was lucky it was only 5 dollars. the man was clearly taken aback and stood silent for a moment while the teen moved down the line to insult other customers. another buyer came to his aid and bargained for $3.50, the girl countered with $4.00 after making some other smart-ass comment, and the deal was made.

i was shocked at the disrespect and decided that i didn't need peaches enough to patronize that irreverent bitch so we left with the fresh tomatoes and onions we'd gotten from another booth and moseyed on down the road. several days later, at a weekly market in old colorado city, we again went in search of peaches. i scanned the booths and finally saw a "Colorado Peaches!" sign and got in line for my first fresh peaches of the year. i'd stood there for several seconds and then realized that the vendor was the same girl from woodland park. i begrudgingly bought my peaches and, though they are decent peaches, i feel a tinge of burning hatred every time i eat one.

the dilemma:
do i continue to give money to people who are obviously missing the spirit of local markethood in my quest to do the green thing (and satisfy my need for peaches) or do i stand up for courtesy, compassion, and just-plain-decency and spend my peach allowance at a chain store for produce that more than likely is not locally raised?

missing my grandpa's peaches,
~thorns

am i missing something here?

wtf? i don't get it. help me understand.

the directions in the picture are a little blurry so i'll help you out:

1. pour instant beans into serving bowl

2. add boiling water and stir briefly (see Instant Bean/Water Ratio chart below)

3. Cover 5 minutes, stir and serve.

i would like to point out that the above steps for the preparation of the instant refried beans forgot to mention sub-steps:

2(a). boil water

2(b). read a chart and,

2(c). apply rational mathematical equations

2(b) and (c), incidentally, are both deal-breakers for me...i just don't need instant powdered refried beans that badly.

man...if only someone could come up with a product that's more "instant" than those "instant" refried beans...eureka!...ah yes...that's more like it. here are the instructions for this product:

1. open can.

archimedes would be proud.

~thorns

i knew i was more evolved...now there's proof!

after countless hours poring over scientific journals [READ: numbly scanning blogs], i've found the proof that i always knew was out there which substantiates my belief that i'm more evolved than most.

neurophysiologist katherine rankin at the university of california, SF, has recently discovered that sarcasm plays an important part in human social interaction. like we didn't already know that. according to the good doctor, those who can't readily discern sarcasm appear to have less functional/evolved parahippocampal gyrus regions in their right brain. that cortex of the brain not only controls certain memory recall functions and visual recollections, but registers social contexts. she notes that people with dementia, or head injuries in that area, often lose the ability to pick up on sarcasm, and so they don’t respond in a socially appropriate ways. (which makes me wonder if damn near ALL of my relatives weren't dropped on their heads as children).

we use sarcasm to form alliances with people with whom we are socially compatible and to pick out "enemies" who, to simplify, may represent a threat to our personal advancement. it is this mastery of "social intelligence" (which encompasses humor, conversational ability, friend/foe recognition, and sarcasm), anthropologists say, that has allowed the human race to thrive and evolve. (and i thought it was TV that brought us this far)

whatever.

~thorns

who knew?

in my endeavor to buy locally as much as possible, i was discriminatingly scouring the bins at my local whole foods and discovered a new (to me) vegetable! these peculiar green tentacles were produced at a farm about half an hour south of here and are called garlic scapes. the scape is the green flower stem that the garlic bulb shoots skyward as it matures. these shoots are delicate and pliable and will curl into the little tendrils you see here. i promptly googled them and discovered lots of recipes and other facts about them. though i haven't eaten them yet, the literature i've found suggests they have a crispy texture similar to asparagus with a mild garlic flavor without the acrid garlic bite. i gather that they are most readily found at local farmers markets and whole/natural/organic food stores. if you're inclined to find scapes or discover other new and unusual local produce, check HERE to find a local farmers market or a farm near you.

~thorns

unplug yourself: part one

**disclaimer: if you've never seen any of the Matrix movies, you'll be a bit out of the loop but i think you'll be ok.**

the Matrix movies tell the story of a future in which the reality perceived by humans is actually a simulated reality created by sentient machines in order to pacify and subdue the human population so that those sentient machines can harness the energy from human body heat and neural activity for their own sustenance.

enter...the Meatrix! the founders of Sustainable Table, an organization dedicated to the furtherance of sustainable food sources, created a series of spoof videos whose aim is to educate people about the perils of factory farming. the analogy is genius.

i don't preach and i don't judge others for what they eat but i feel like i'm being remiss if i don't do my part to at least expose others (all 4 of you that read this blog) to the atrocities being committed to fulfill the nation's demand for meat, eggs, and dairy. i'll spare you the blood and guts (the facts are readily available if you want them) but animals are grossly mistreated and sanitation standards are blatantly disregarded in the name of speed and profit. these shortcuts have meant increases in the occurrence of disease in both the animals and the humans that consume the byproducts and more artificial compounds like hormones and antibiotics being added [READ: injected] to increase productivity.

i'm not saying that you should stop eating meat. that's a big choice to make and requires a commitment for one's own reasons. what i am saying is that you should be cognizant of where your meat/eggs/dairy comes from and how it was treated before reaching your grocery cart.

buy local and/or organic as frequently as you can. ask questions about where your groceries come from. use the eat well guide to find sustainable food sources in your area. oh...and if at all possible, don't patronize fast food restaurants. they are the most heinous offenders when it comes to fueling "the Meatrix." do it for yourself too...the "food" they produce is terrible for you. eating that shit'll catch up with you. in short, be responsible for what you put in your body.

although i am an unparalleled fount of knowledge, check your library for books, magazines, and movies about sustainable food, the food industry, and green issues in general. some resources that have really opened my eyes:
Slaughterhouse - Gail Eisnitz
Fast Food Nation - Eric Schlosser (also a movie for those who don't want to read)
Vegan: The New Ethics of Eating - Erik Marcus
The Food Revolution - John Robbins
Skinny Bitch - Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin

i'm not advocating that you all go out and become long-haired, tree-hugging, hemp-necklaced vegans. i just urge you to look past the blinders and refuse to buy into the Meatrix. educate yourself, dig a little deeper, and invest in your health instead.

~thorns

talk amongst yourselves...i'll give you a topic

is a "diety" a god of weight loss?

~thorns

math worse than mine

as those that know me are well aware, i was absent the day they taught math. numbers just don't work inside my head. i don't like math, i don't do well with math, and as long as i can continue to make words work for me, i'll continue to be arithmetically challenged. last night, however, my computational prowess soared as i found someone worse at math than me.
i encountered a man who had committed a minor violation for which my discretion could be used in whether to enforce by citation or exercise my jedi-mind-trick "this never happened" powers. as we conversed, the man begged me to be merciful and pleaded, "c'mon man, don't give me a ticket....i just got out of jail on the 38th of last month."

with math like that, i think he deserved the break :-)

~thorns