the world may never be the same....mine certainly won't

that, folks, is a bean. this is a picture of a 6 week old bean in my lady-friend's belly that i helped create (on purpose even!). first seeing those fateful litmus lines and then hearing the doctor confirm, "yep, it's in there.," brought my world skidding to a standstill and simultaneously kicked it into an exponentially higher gear.

what happens now? according to every parent out there, life changes. now that i've had about three months to get used to the idea of being a father, i've started to really contemplate what it actually means to be a parent and ponder exactly HOW this little peanut is going to change me and us.

will i be more mature (i sure hope not!)? will we be better with our finances? will i learn to iron properly? will i acquire those mysterious "dad" skills like being able to pull coins out of ears, untying any conceivable knot, making skinned knees less painful, deftly pulling splinters from careless appendages, making the best weekend-morning breakfasts, and knowing the answer for every possible question? will i be able to tone down my potty-mouth? will mama and i be more steadfast and united with things like cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and baby-related chores? will i learn any magic tricks? what songs will i lean to play on the guitar to pacify the little monster? will we be able to find a Punisher t-shirt for the baby? what is an appropriate age for baby's first tattoo? will my juggling skills improve? will i be able to find a diaper bag that holds all the baby's accoutrements AND my pistol?

the coming months will undoubtedly hold many more questions but i'm really comfortable with the laissez-faire approach and learn-as-we-go outlook that mama and i have. i'm sure the structure will build itself as necessary and that despite it all, our little person will be twice as incorrigible as mama and myself :-)

i'm already swelling with love and pride and joy and hope and excitement and a zillion other emotions that are growing in strength, depth, and complexity every day and i can scarcely wait to pour all those feelings out on our little bean.

i welcome all perspectives and comments and advice and will do my best to keep you posted as the due date approaches. in the meantime, i've got songs to learn and magic tricks to practice...

~thorns

natural selection is shitty sometimes

y'all know that i try not to bring things from my work life here into the blogosphere but sometimes things are just too good to pass up. one such monumentally stupid thing occurred and i had to share with you.

i was sent to the hospital to meet with a man who had been at a party and had ingested a caustic liquid at the urging of other partygoers. this unfortunate soul was dared to drink a shot glass of ammonia and, as any self-respecting reveler would, he did it.

i was speaking with the attending ER doc who was explaining the procedure for putting this humpty dumb-ass back together again and learned that they were going to have to remove most of the patient's esophagus and replace it with a section of his colon. then, with an emotionless delivery, the doctor said candidly, "That guy's breath is going to smell like shit for the rest of his life." thinking he was joking, i laughed. the doctor turned to me and said, with that same deadpan delivery, "That wasn't a joke."

awesome.

and in other potty-humour relating to survival-of-the-fittest...

i told you natural selection was shitty,

~thorns

self hatred

so a local radio station is doing a "retro" weekend. their goal is to play every wretched, loathsome, mainstream pop song "from the 70's and 80's" and it's really bumming me out. why don't i just change the channel? y'see, that's what's bumming me out...i can't. no matter how much i try not to or how much i want to hit myself in the head with a ball-peen hammer after the fact, there are some songs from my childhood i can't help but sing/hum/whistle/dance to when i hear them. YOU try being happy with YOURself when you're standing in line somewhere tapping your foot and bobbing your head like an idiot to "loveshack" or whistling the chorus to mariah carey's "dreamlover." disgusting.

what song are YOU guilty of bouncing to? i'd like to know...partly because i'm just curious and partly because i don't want to feel like the only degenerate loser out here.

off to try my hand at a self-inflicted lobotomy,

~thorns

never too old to learn

ten years ago during my college days in the idyllic shenandoah valley, i began to delve into the murky process of self-discovery and other such nebulous therap-ese terms all rooted in understanding oneself. as part of that journey, i discovered the teachings (preachings) of bill phillips. phillips, a former steroid driven bodybuilding champion turned motivational speaker/personal trainer/entrepreneur, wrote several books including his most widely published Body for Life. i was captivated by the "you can do it" tenets of the BFL program and impressed by the way phillips incited the reader to act with his "let your progress be the reward" encouragements.

the thing that has stuck with me the most from that book is the types of "vision" that phillips outlines; historical, present, and future. phillips professes that folks who allow historical vision to dominate their thoughts believe that everything good or important in their lives has already past and they often dwell on the way things "used to be." these people often see themselves as the person they were back in the "good old days" and don't realize how far they've let themselves slide from that image.

the reason all of that nonsense is important is that, of late, i've become that slug with historical vision...at least where my fitness is concerned. those of you who know me (AKA, the only people who read this blog) know, at least in part, what amazing things i "used to" be able to do. well, kids...i'm here to tell ya that the mighty has certainly fallen and the thing that has brought this sharply into focus for me was my first parkour class. i enrolled in a 5 week program at a gym in denver and today's class focused on the exercises needed to build a body fit for parkour-specific activities. we did pushups, dips, situps, rolls, falls, and quadrupedal movement and they were all a slap in the face that reminded me (in a frightening, but good, way) that i'm far from my strong, limber, active, injury-free high school and college days.

i'm ashamed but rejuvenated and determined to heal myself, strengthen myself, better myself, and eventually be able keep pace with these parkour practitioners:
i'll end with some brilliant, timeless advice passed along to me years ago by a tai chi master. i try to keep these words in mind when i start moving too fast for my own good and find myself in need of a little grounding.

1. know yourself
2. do your best
3. don't overdo it
4. make a little progress every day

stay tuned for the updates,

~thorns

p.s. - i'll ship you my copy of Body for Life if anyone wants to borrow it....as long as you don't mind the highlighting and margin notes :-)

how do they know!?

one look at my junkmail inbox and it becomes clear that the omnipotent spam gods have looked straight into my soul and have sent me just the email i need to make my life complete again.

one example of their clairvoyance comes (every f'n day) in the form of career guidance. the four choices that have been laid out tarot-like for me are "Advance Your Career today with a Teaching Degree," "Earn Your Nursing Degree Today," "Make More $ Today as a Stay at Home Mom," and the one every day from Michael Vincent which proudly boasts, "I found you a new job." thanks for your diligence, Michael.

the next area where the gods shine is suggesting ways to improve my financial life. according to them, i'm apparently simultaneously facing foreclosure, currently in foreclosure, and looking for foreclosed home and they've sent me no shortage of emails to help me ameliorate all three conditions. this may be due in part to me not taking advantage of my "Totally Free Credit Report #256896643" or not heeding the advice given in such classics as , "Legally Erase Your Debt!"

lastly, the all-knowing ones are keenly aware of my romantic needs and subtly let me know daily that there are "Singles Wanted," and "Daters Wanted," in my area and i can "Email and Chat FREE" with them. if those solicitations weren't enticing enough, they've gone a step further and encouraged me not only to date but to "Find the One." they've also enlisted the help of someone named Li.N who targeted me specifically and sent me an email saying that she is "looking for an old fashoined honest descent man." i'll forgive the misspelling of fashioned but what is a "descent man?" i can only imagine it's a man who goes down. mistake or clever marketing? hrmmm.

perhaps my failures in the romantic realm can be attributed to wrinkles because i've been getting hints from the gods - "Best Anti-aging pill EVER! As seen on TV." guess all that moisturizing i do hasn't helped. well...at least they're finally happy with my penis size. but they are still concerned that i'm paying too much for printer ink and toner. it's a give and take, i suppose.

what are the gods saying to YOU these days?

~thorns

another vegan triumph

so tonight was my first attempt at risotto and i have two confessions to make up front. the first is that it wasn't really a true risotto as i used orzo instead of rice. the second is that i cannibalized the recipe from my favorite food blog, VeganDad. soul-bearing out of the way, i must say that it was awesome. i took some liberties in the preparation that i think make it sing.

my version:

1C orzo
2t olive oil
1/4 diced onion
2T nutritional yeast
1 clove garlic minced
2T butter (vegan butter)
2.5C vegetable broth (hot)
1/4t dried thyme (1/2t fresh)
1C red wine (i used Yellowtail Merlot)
handful of broccoli florets (blanched)

1. boil orzo in salted water for about 5 minutes. strain. reserve.
2. saute onion and garlic in olive oil until they just begin to brown.
3. add butter and orzo, coat thoroughly.
4. stir in wine and thyme over low/med heat until completely absorbed.
5. add one ladle of hot broth, stir continuously until absorbed. repeat until orzo is al dente.
6. add nutritional yeast, broccoli, and a splash more of the wine. cook 5-10 more minutes.
7. salt/pepper to taste. eat. grin smugly. gloat when possible.

it was so good. i'd happily put it up against anything you'd find in a restaurant, vegan or non. it was well worth the toil and i just wish you could have had some.

~thorns

**really...it was THAT good

for a limited time only!

those of you who know me remember my short-lived but glorious mohawk a couple years back. unfortunately, society's preconceived notions, "workplace standards" and the need to maintain a "professional appearance" dashed my punk hairdo reverie and i was forced to shave it. well, folks, sticking it to the man again for a very limited time only, is the 'hawk '09.

rock on,

~thorns

death of a salesman...kinda

it's not the death of the salesman that i'm bemoaning so much as the death of salesmanSHIP and the ethos thereof. anymore, it seems like customer service is a dying facet of the consumer-purveyor relationship and any genuine concern for customer satisfaction is becoming woefully uncommon. a few recent interactions have brought this phenomenon sharply into focus.

picture it...you're in ocean city, maryland, your bare feet are stinging from the cold wet sand and you've just watched the sun rise with your significant other on an early spring morning. you walk along the deserted storefronts and find a lone cafe advertising the best breakfast on the boardwalk. cold and hungry you walk in and are greeted by the hostess. "g'morning. come on in and sit anywhere you'd like." she invites you in and gestures with a sweeping arm stroke to the empty, expansive dining room. you and your squeeze head for a secluded corner to enjoy your meal somewhat privately. the hostess comes over and advises that "we're not serving this area this morning, you'll have to move over there." what? how is our table not included in "anywhere you'd like?"

at another restaurant you are greeted by the brace-laden smile of the teenage hostess who asks, "two for dinner? bar or dining room? smoking or non?" you affirm that there will be two for dinner, dining room would be great, and non-smoking would be ideal. she says (i kid you not), "we don't have a non-smoking section." how do you offer non-smoking if you don't even have it? wtf?!

recently i called a bank to close several accounts. i asked the customer service rep how best to close my accounts and to transfer my balance to my account here at my new bank. she said to do it online and advised that there would be a $3 fee for the transfer. i asked if it would come off the top when i transferred or if i needed to leave $3 in the pot to cover the fee. she said it would come off automatically and that i needn't worry. i did as instructed and, predictably, got zapped with $55 in assorted penalties for overdrawing by $3. i called back to explain the error and they said "there's nothing we can do because it's already done." they said that i "should have been aware of the fee." i explained that i WAS aware of the fee and that i had sought the counsel of a bank employee to address it properly. that employee advised me incorrectly and i got spanked. "i do apologize, sir, but there's nothing we can do about it." that snotty bitch ended up hanging up on me so i called back and got the same treatment from another rep. "there's nothing we can do, sir," she condescended.



lastly...i called the nissan dealership and made an appointment to have the oil changed in my truck. my appointment was for 3 pm and i got there to drop off my truck at 3:03. i stood in line until 3:51 before anyone even acknowledged my presence and then they took my info and my key and took my truck to be serviced. the guy said it would be about an hour and that they would call me when it was done. three hours later, i called and asked about the truck and was told, "oh...yeah...it's been done for a while but i just forgot to call." i asked if i could come get the truck was met with, "oh, no, the service center is closed for the night. sorry about that. guess these things just happen sometimes."

yeah, these things just happen sometimes, but it seems like they're happening with more and more frequency and it's pissing me off. are employer expectations so low that workmanship or just plain ol' courtesy (hell, i'll settle for competency) are no longer job requirements? i have half a dozen other recent stories but they all belabor the same point...customer service is dead.

share YOUR latest example or even offer one that contradicts, i'm all ears.

~thorns

for the foodies...and also for people who eat

i know not all 5 of you that read my blog (wishful thinking, i know) are foodies but i know that all of you eat. for those of you that aren't food-o-philes, the video posted below is a quick and easy way to make a decent meal that doesn't involve processed crap. for those of you that are a bit more culinarily inclined, it's one chef's take on a deconstructed eggplant parmesan. deconstructed dishes seem to be popular these days and this one is as simple as it gets.

mise en place aside, the cooking of this dish takes one minute and uses few and easy to assemble ingredients. any chef'll tell you that the key to a good dish is simple, fresh, thoughtfully assembled ingredients and though i haven't made this one yet (it ain't eggplant season), it looks pretty awesome.

*disclaimer: i don't condone the cream and cheese used in this recipe and i will certainly substitute the appropriate animal-free product when the time comes....but you can do whatever you want :-)*




~thorns

making new friends: a tutorial anecdote

the set-up
most dog-training texts will tell you that just before you leave a dog by itself, you should give it some kind of command. this command (stay, sit, lay down, etc.) allegedly puts the dog in an obedient frame of mind and discourages self-indulgent destructive behavior. as the experts recommend, upon parting, i try to leave my pups with a command in hopes that our stuff wont be destroyed while when i return. i use this technique in the car as well. when i'm running errands and the mutts are tagging along, i tell them to "stay" in the car just before i shut the door and walk away. i also usually glance back at the dogs as i'm walking away and put my hand up in a mime-like fashion as if i'm visually reaffirming the "stay" command. *this becomes important in a second*

the story
one day recently i went to a used bookstore not far from home and took the dogs along with me. as i've just explained, i commanded the dogs to "stay" and walked toward the door of the store. i mounted the step just in front of the bookstore's entryway and reached for the door handle. as i was reaching for the door, i turned my head momentarily back toward the dogs to issue the customary final silent command.

the clincher
unbeknownst to me, an older lady was coming out of the bookstore at the very same moment and by some serendipitous combination of the height of my reaching hand, her slight stature, and our mutual preoccupations, my outstretched appendage found not the cold aluminum of the door handle but landed squarely in the center of her....cleavage. it was not a glancing blow or anything that could have been ignored at all. in fact, i doubt i could have done better if i'd bought her dinner beforehand. we exchanged wordless blushing horrified half-smiles and both promptly put our heads down and continued on our respective ways never to mention it again...unless you have a blog.

so to all you socially inept folks out there who have been looking for a good way to meet new people, try the ol' reach-for-the-door-handle-and-look-the-other-way technique. works every time.

cheers,

thorns