various and sundry wtf's

every few months, it seems, i end up with a collection of pictures i've taken or collected. some are depictions of something i'd intended to blog about, some are just funny or strange, and some are just taken for this catch-all post. we'll begin with a trip to the asian market. like our friends at engrish.com have shown, having a laugh at someone else's failed grasp on english is fun. mmm...fish balls!

so many jokes to be made here. i digress.

vermont: new england's curry capitol.
try our other great flavor: go fuck yourself!

your favorite vegetable is now a dessert pop! also try our broccoli brittle and beet flavored toothpaste!

ok, ok...enough picking on the asians...especially when there's so much to make fun of everywhere else :-) how about these:

i mean, seriously. you're not THAT pressed for time. give your kid a normal bath like everyone else.

from the makers of ParanoidPals and FreneticFriends!
when your merken needs a lift, try merken spice! (yes, i know it's not spelled like that....relax)

man! who knew that sticker placement could be so important?

this is a children's coloring/drawing/workbook. in the upper left hand corner, the instructions read, "color only the things you like." enlarge this if you can and look at the items. wtf?!
wow. wtf kind of kids book IS this? incidentally, this page is easier if you're from baltimore.
for all of those times when you've needed to "instantly disguise" yourself as thomas jefferson.
finally you can sit on your couch watching TV in a blanket with sleeves AND express your "wild side." that IS wild!

and our final entry for today:

where do you fall?

until i have more time,

~thorns

p.s. i welcome your caption additions!

how do they know!?

one look at my junkmail inbox and it becomes clear that the omnipotent spam gods have looked straight into my soul and have sent me just the email i need to make my life complete again.

one example of their clairvoyance comes (every f'n day) in the form of career guidance. the four choices that have been laid out tarot-like for me are "Advance Your Career today with a Teaching Degree," "Earn Your Nursing Degree Today," "Make More $ Today as a Stay at Home Mom," and the one every day from Michael Vincent which proudly boasts, "I found you a new job." thanks for your diligence, Michael.

the next area where the gods shine is suggesting ways to improve my financial life. according to them, i'm apparently simultaneously facing foreclosure, currently in foreclosure, and looking for foreclosed home and they've sent me no shortage of emails to help me ameliorate all three conditions. this may be due in part to me not taking advantage of my "Totally Free Credit Report #256896643" or not heeding the advice given in such classics as , "Legally Erase Your Debt!"

lastly, the all-knowing ones are keenly aware of my romantic needs and subtly let me know daily that there are "Singles Wanted," and "Daters Wanted," in my area and i can "Email and Chat FREE" with them. if those solicitations weren't enticing enough, they've gone a step further and encouraged me not only to date but to "Find the One." they've also enlisted the help of someone named Li.N who targeted me specifically and sent me an email saying that she is "looking for an old fashoined honest descent man." i'll forgive the misspelling of fashioned but what is a "descent man?" i can only imagine it's a man who goes down. mistake or clever marketing? hrmmm.

perhaps my failures in the romantic realm can be attributed to wrinkles because i've been getting hints from the gods - "Best Anti-aging pill EVER! As seen on TV." guess all that moisturizing i do hasn't helped. well...at least they're finally happy with my penis size. but they are still concerned that i'm paying too much for printer ink and toner. it's a give and take, i suppose.

what are the gods saying to YOU these days?

~thorns

death of a salesman...kinda

it's not the death of the salesman that i'm bemoaning so much as the death of salesmanSHIP and the ethos thereof. anymore, it seems like customer service is a dying facet of the consumer-purveyor relationship and any genuine concern for customer satisfaction is becoming woefully uncommon. a few recent interactions have brought this phenomenon sharply into focus.

picture it...you're in ocean city, maryland, your bare feet are stinging from the cold wet sand and you've just watched the sun rise with your significant other on an early spring morning. you walk along the deserted storefronts and find a lone cafe advertising the best breakfast on the boardwalk. cold and hungry you walk in and are greeted by the hostess. "g'morning. come on in and sit anywhere you'd like." she invites you in and gestures with a sweeping arm stroke to the empty, expansive dining room. you and your squeeze head for a secluded corner to enjoy your meal somewhat privately. the hostess comes over and advises that "we're not serving this area this morning, you'll have to move over there." what? how is our table not included in "anywhere you'd like?"

at another restaurant you are greeted by the brace-laden smile of the teenage hostess who asks, "two for dinner? bar or dining room? smoking or non?" you affirm that there will be two for dinner, dining room would be great, and non-smoking would be ideal. she says (i kid you not), "we don't have a non-smoking section." how do you offer non-smoking if you don't even have it? wtf?!

recently i called a bank to close several accounts. i asked the customer service rep how best to close my accounts and to transfer my balance to my account here at my new bank. she said to do it online and advised that there would be a $3 fee for the transfer. i asked if it would come off the top when i transferred or if i needed to leave $3 in the pot to cover the fee. she said it would come off automatically and that i needn't worry. i did as instructed and, predictably, got zapped with $55 in assorted penalties for overdrawing by $3. i called back to explain the error and they said "there's nothing we can do because it's already done." they said that i "should have been aware of the fee." i explained that i WAS aware of the fee and that i had sought the counsel of a bank employee to address it properly. that employee advised me incorrectly and i got spanked. "i do apologize, sir, but there's nothing we can do about it." that snotty bitch ended up hanging up on me so i called back and got the same treatment from another rep. "there's nothing we can do, sir," she condescended.



lastly...i called the nissan dealership and made an appointment to have the oil changed in my truck. my appointment was for 3 pm and i got there to drop off my truck at 3:03. i stood in line until 3:51 before anyone even acknowledged my presence and then they took my info and my key and took my truck to be serviced. the guy said it would be about an hour and that they would call me when it was done. three hours later, i called and asked about the truck and was told, "oh...yeah...it's been done for a while but i just forgot to call." i asked if i could come get the truck was met with, "oh, no, the service center is closed for the night. sorry about that. guess these things just happen sometimes."

yeah, these things just happen sometimes, but it seems like they're happening with more and more frequency and it's pissing me off. are employer expectations so low that workmanship or just plain ol' courtesy (hell, i'll settle for competency) are no longer job requirements? i have half a dozen other recent stories but they all belabor the same point...customer service is dead.

share YOUR latest example or even offer one that contradicts, i'm all ears.

~thorns

back in the game

i've scarcely been able to find a free moment here of late and blogging seems to get pushed to the bottom of the never ending to-do list but i'm back and hope to catch you all up in the coming days on what's been going on.

first, though, i need to purge my "ooh-i'm-gonna-blog-about-that!" coffer that i've been filling over the past couple of weeks. when i'm out and about and see things that strike me as particularly droll and/or blogworthy, i try to snap a quick picture with my phone and i have a few gems that have been begging for display. and away we go...

here in the springs, there is a great little auction house that holds auctions every saturday. previews are the preceding friday and there are often REALLY good deals to be had. one of these days i'll photo and catalog all of our great scores but that will have to wait. now at this auction house, they occasionally have special auctions. sometimes the theme is guns, sometimes cars, sometimes kitschy collectibles. last weekend was dolls. while we were there looking for a bookshelf for the new house, we saw rows and rows of creepy little limp bodies laid out in their cardboard and cellophane coffins being poked, prodded, measured, and admired by equally creepy doll-aficionados. out of the impeccably tended cotton and porcelain stared the eeriest and most haunting doll face i think i've ever seen. i will call her REDRUM:

*shivers* moving on...

months ago while we were looking for a place to live when our lease was over, we looked at a cottage on the west side of the city. it was an old cottage that had been updated nicely but my attention was drawn to the thermostat. this thermostat is a therapists dream! public speaking make you queasy? tight spaces make your skin crawl? talking about emotions with family members make you want to hang yourself with your own intestines? change the dynamics of your comfort zone with a twist!
onward....

i've said it before but being a vegan cop on the overnight shift requires lots of planning and if one doesn't pack appropriate food and drink to last the entire night, there's little to be found in the wee hours. some 24 hour grocery stores, 7-11, dunkin donuts, walgreens, and a handful of other convenience stores are the only places where one might find sustenance and, for vegans, the pickin's are less than slim. i usually pack my own ground coffee and organic raw sugar in my thermos and use the hot water at the 7-11 to brew on the spot when my eyelids start drooping. one night this past week while my beverage was steeping, i spotted this "non-dairy creamer." the only caveat is the actual ingredients. i know it's hard to see (camera phones don't have a macro function) but the last line on the ingredient list reads: CONTAINS: MILK. wtf!?

and last but certainly not least....

tonight while we were at a local craft store (which was definitely NOT hobby lobby for obvious reasons) gathering supplies for making our christmas ornaments and gifts (*T&J, y'all are gonna LOVE your homemade decoration!*), i saw this:

that's right, they're knitting needles with battery powered LED lights in the tips! different colors, different sizes, all fun! never again will i rue the fading light whilst knitting. brilliant!

for now, that sufficiently depletes the reservoir of pointless and subjectless pictures i've been saving to share with you three or four loyal readers and may give a tiny glimpse of where i've been and what i've been up to since i last checked in.

be back soon,

~thorns

startling but representative, i fear

an anecdote...a charming interaction that left me simultaneously amazed and disgusted.

during a conversation with a secretary at my "office" this morning, i mentioned that my girlfriend was sick and that i was heading to the store to gather ingredients to make some soup to aid her in her recovery. the secretary asked what kind of soup i was going to make and i told her "vietnamese noodle soup" (phô, for those of you in the know). she wrinkled her nose disdainfully and said, "Yuck! That would make me sicker!" I asked her if she'd ever had it or even knew what was in it and, predictably, she said, "No, but I know I wouldn't like it."

i knew very well that there was really no point in arguing but i couldn't help myself. i said, "it's noodles and broth with vegetables and spices. it's not that much different from chicken noodle soup. are you saying you wouldn't like it just because it's vietnamese?" she shook her head and said, "It just sounds gross." at that, i shook my head and said, "that's a pretty intolerant perspective, don't you think?" with nose still crinkled, she quipped, "I dunno.," and shrugged off my challenge lazily. i saw my chance to learn something here and i probed, "you're probably voting for McCain, too, aren't you?" she proudly and emphatically announced with a put-on dignified tone, "Why, yes I am!"

hooray for ignorant people!

~thorns

public transportation be damned

with the price of gas at record highs, more and more people are turning to greyhound for their long distance transportation needs....not me....and, as this news report indicates, here's why:



that's a BIG wtf!

~thorns

just for fun

so this has been a pretty taxing week and, as a celebration of it finally dragging to an end, i present to you, my adoring fans, a couple things to help promote a healthy weekend mentality. the first is the story of what happened to me in the bathroom early this week. i was standing in a public restroom on monday and was under the impression that i was alone when, from behind one of the stall doors, a voice entreated,..."hey. how do you spell liquor?" not having expected the early morning spelling pee (relax....i can hear the groans of bad-pun-disapproval) but always eager to help, i offered, "L-I-Q-U-O-R." there was a period of silence as the inquirer paused to reflect and then the voice said, "man, i was WAY off!"

it was one of those did-that-really-just-happen? sort of moments and i didn't really stick around to help my quiz administrator with any of his other academic issues but the story makes for pretty good blog fodder.

the second promotion of a healthy weekend mentality is one of the best examples of creative writing i've ever seen. for those of you who are not "family guy" fans or who aren't familiar with this particular episode, allow me to set the stage: stewie (the maladjusted and misanthropic toddler you'll see in the bed) believes he has cancer and enlists brian (the family's talking dog) to write his final thoughts....pure comedy genius.



i really can't think of much that gets ME more into a fun-having mood than that.

off to enjoy my weekend,

~thorns