for a limited time only!

those of you who know me remember my short-lived but glorious mohawk a couple years back. unfortunately, society's preconceived notions, "workplace standards" and the need to maintain a "professional appearance" dashed my punk hairdo reverie and i was forced to shave it. well, folks, sticking it to the man again for a very limited time only, is the 'hawk '09.

rock on,

~thorns

death of a salesman...kinda

it's not the death of the salesman that i'm bemoaning so much as the death of salesmanSHIP and the ethos thereof. anymore, it seems like customer service is a dying facet of the consumer-purveyor relationship and any genuine concern for customer satisfaction is becoming woefully uncommon. a few recent interactions have brought this phenomenon sharply into focus.

picture it...you're in ocean city, maryland, your bare feet are stinging from the cold wet sand and you've just watched the sun rise with your significant other on an early spring morning. you walk along the deserted storefronts and find a lone cafe advertising the best breakfast on the boardwalk. cold and hungry you walk in and are greeted by the hostess. "g'morning. come on in and sit anywhere you'd like." she invites you in and gestures with a sweeping arm stroke to the empty, expansive dining room. you and your squeeze head for a secluded corner to enjoy your meal somewhat privately. the hostess comes over and advises that "we're not serving this area this morning, you'll have to move over there." what? how is our table not included in "anywhere you'd like?"

at another restaurant you are greeted by the brace-laden smile of the teenage hostess who asks, "two for dinner? bar or dining room? smoking or non?" you affirm that there will be two for dinner, dining room would be great, and non-smoking would be ideal. she says (i kid you not), "we don't have a non-smoking section." how do you offer non-smoking if you don't even have it? wtf?!

recently i called a bank to close several accounts. i asked the customer service rep how best to close my accounts and to transfer my balance to my account here at my new bank. she said to do it online and advised that there would be a $3 fee for the transfer. i asked if it would come off the top when i transferred or if i needed to leave $3 in the pot to cover the fee. she said it would come off automatically and that i needn't worry. i did as instructed and, predictably, got zapped with $55 in assorted penalties for overdrawing by $3. i called back to explain the error and they said "there's nothing we can do because it's already done." they said that i "should have been aware of the fee." i explained that i WAS aware of the fee and that i had sought the counsel of a bank employee to address it properly. that employee advised me incorrectly and i got spanked. "i do apologize, sir, but there's nothing we can do about it." that snotty bitch ended up hanging up on me so i called back and got the same treatment from another rep. "there's nothing we can do, sir," she condescended.



lastly...i called the nissan dealership and made an appointment to have the oil changed in my truck. my appointment was for 3 pm and i got there to drop off my truck at 3:03. i stood in line until 3:51 before anyone even acknowledged my presence and then they took my info and my key and took my truck to be serviced. the guy said it would be about an hour and that they would call me when it was done. three hours later, i called and asked about the truck and was told, "oh...yeah...it's been done for a while but i just forgot to call." i asked if i could come get the truck was met with, "oh, no, the service center is closed for the night. sorry about that. guess these things just happen sometimes."

yeah, these things just happen sometimes, but it seems like they're happening with more and more frequency and it's pissing me off. are employer expectations so low that workmanship or just plain ol' courtesy (hell, i'll settle for competency) are no longer job requirements? i have half a dozen other recent stories but they all belabor the same point...customer service is dead.

share YOUR latest example or even offer one that contradicts, i'm all ears.

~thorns

for the foodies...and also for people who eat

i know not all 5 of you that read my blog (wishful thinking, i know) are foodies but i know that all of you eat. for those of you that aren't food-o-philes, the video posted below is a quick and easy way to make a decent meal that doesn't involve processed crap. for those of you that are a bit more culinarily inclined, it's one chef's take on a deconstructed eggplant parmesan. deconstructed dishes seem to be popular these days and this one is as simple as it gets.

mise en place aside, the cooking of this dish takes one minute and uses few and easy to assemble ingredients. any chef'll tell you that the key to a good dish is simple, fresh, thoughtfully assembled ingredients and though i haven't made this one yet (it ain't eggplant season), it looks pretty awesome.

*disclaimer: i don't condone the cream and cheese used in this recipe and i will certainly substitute the appropriate animal-free product when the time comes....but you can do whatever you want :-)*




~thorns

making new friends: a tutorial anecdote

the set-up
most dog-training texts will tell you that just before you leave a dog by itself, you should give it some kind of command. this command (stay, sit, lay down, etc.) allegedly puts the dog in an obedient frame of mind and discourages self-indulgent destructive behavior. as the experts recommend, upon parting, i try to leave my pups with a command in hopes that our stuff wont be destroyed while when i return. i use this technique in the car as well. when i'm running errands and the mutts are tagging along, i tell them to "stay" in the car just before i shut the door and walk away. i also usually glance back at the dogs as i'm walking away and put my hand up in a mime-like fashion as if i'm visually reaffirming the "stay" command. *this becomes important in a second*

the story
one day recently i went to a used bookstore not far from home and took the dogs along with me. as i've just explained, i commanded the dogs to "stay" and walked toward the door of the store. i mounted the step just in front of the bookstore's entryway and reached for the door handle. as i was reaching for the door, i turned my head momentarily back toward the dogs to issue the customary final silent command.

the clincher
unbeknownst to me, an older lady was coming out of the bookstore at the very same moment and by some serendipitous combination of the height of my reaching hand, her slight stature, and our mutual preoccupations, my outstretched appendage found not the cold aluminum of the door handle but landed squarely in the center of her....cleavage. it was not a glancing blow or anything that could have been ignored at all. in fact, i doubt i could have done better if i'd bought her dinner beforehand. we exchanged wordless blushing horrified half-smiles and both promptly put our heads down and continued on our respective ways never to mention it again...unless you have a blog.

so to all you socially inept folks out there who have been looking for a good way to meet new people, try the ol' reach-for-the-door-handle-and-look-the-other-way technique. works every time.

cheers,

thorns

the cure for what ails ya

today we celebrate one year of colorado residency and only now are we truly adjusting to the temperamental and rapidly changing weather patterns here. we're starting to realize that when it's sunny and 65 degrees in january one day, we're sure to be battered by frigid winds and fluffy snow the very next. it is on these bone-biting days when nothing will do to warm and comfort but a bowl of steaming, savory, flavorful soup. our faithful standby to fight the chill is a veganized pho (pronounced "fuh") recipe that will beat back the heartiest cold or flu or just thaw your insides. without further ado:

4 cups vegetable broth

1/2 cup water

1T soy sauce

2 star anise

2 clove

3" cinnamon stick

4 cloves of garlic (smashed)

1/2 inch chunk of peeled ginger (chunked)

1 lime

1/2 lb thin-to-medium rice noodles

3 scallions (finely sliced)

2 thai chiles or other spicy chile (chopped finely)

1/2 lb bean sprouts

handful of chopped cilantro

slightly smaller handful ripped thai basil leaves

simmer the vegetable broth, water, soy sauce, garlic, ginger, cloves, cinnamon, and star anise in a medium sauce pan for about half an hour to create the rich flavorful broth. prepare the rice noodles according to package directions (usually involving a quick dunk in boiling water). when the noodles are just-tender (don't cook 'em to mush), rinse them with water until the water runs clear, then drain. pile into nice big bowls, squeeze half the lime into the broth, and pour the hot broth over the noodles. top generously with the scallions, chiles, bean sprouts, cilantro, and basil. garnish with hoisin sauce and the lime wedges for a final dash of brightness.

it's easy, it's cheap, it's aromatic, it's supremely comforting, and...well...just plain transcendent. don't be afraid. go to your local asian (preferably vietnamese) market, get your fixin's, and go pho yourself!

cheers,

thorns

in a vegan pickle

DVR = digital video recorder. device which records pre-selected offerings from our Direct TV service and saves them for endless frittering away of time that i should spend doing something productive. the thing'll hold a lot but, as with any storage system, old stuff needs to be cleared to make way for new. it's this task that i've grown exceptionally good at of late (and she says i never clean...ha!) and when i have my "cleaning" sessions, it's usually a show about food.

as any foodie will tell you, there is the normal pedestrian cooking drivel (rachel ray, sandra lee, guy fieri, etc.) and there are the standouts who haven't sacrificed their culinary integrity for the machine. these culinarians, namely jamie oliver and gordon ramsay, whose shows i have been watching, exhibit simultaneously complementing and contrasting elements (like any successful dish) and have re-ignited my love of and quest for gastronomical knowledge. gordon's curt and abrasive language and demanding kitchen codeare the perfect foil for jamie's endearing common english brogue and laid-back rustic cooking style.

now comes the pickle (pun fully intended). i've long wanted to go to some kind of culinary school and am feeling that tug pretty strongly now. my problem is that i'll surely have to renounce my vegan ways to follow the curriculum at any traditional school and actualize my dream of having my own restaurant. **yes i know i could open a vegan restaurant (and would LOVE to) but to work my way up to that level, i'm certain i'll have to do my time in non-vegan kitchens** in the immortal words of pooh, "oh, bother."

i'm constantly reading cookbooks, poring over various media on gastronomy, and collecting ideas for a vegan SLOW food place (on-premise/locally grown produce, international menu selections, composting, all organic food, etc) but i can scarcely get around the fact that i'll have to walk a non-vegan path to get there.

what say you? please share your thoughts. send a link to this post to your foodie friends and ask them to weigh in. in the meantime, if you want to expand YOUR vegan cooking repertoire, check out a couple of my other favorite blogs, Vegan Dad and Everyday Dish.

cheers,

~thorns

punished again by the computer gods

woe, woe, woe is me. despite the latest in virus scan software, we've again been stricken down by the vindictive computer fairies...or as i like to call them, Dellions. we pledged to dutifully back up all of our data to disc since our last crash to avoid the heartache of lost songs and pictures but we procrastinated and are now facing our second rebuild since we got the computer last year. *grumbling*

as i don't have computer access at home, the blogging is gonna be sparse (more so than usual) until we're back up and running.

until such time as i can post again, i'll leave you with my latest idea for an invention. i don't yet have the wherewithal to actually produce this item but when i do, it'll make me a gazillion dollars, i just know it. you ready? ok...here it is: edible produce stickers.

i know how infuriating it is to scratch and pick at those tiny stickers (not to mention fishing them from between the blades of a peeler) and my new edible stickers will end that hassle forever! the adhesive currently used to hold those stickers on is already listed as "food grade" so i figure that all we have to do is find a suitable edible sticker material.

think on it....

~thorns

back in the game

i've scarcely been able to find a free moment here of late and blogging seems to get pushed to the bottom of the never ending to-do list but i'm back and hope to catch you all up in the coming days on what's been going on.

first, though, i need to purge my "ooh-i'm-gonna-blog-about-that!" coffer that i've been filling over the past couple of weeks. when i'm out and about and see things that strike me as particularly droll and/or blogworthy, i try to snap a quick picture with my phone and i have a few gems that have been begging for display. and away we go...

here in the springs, there is a great little auction house that holds auctions every saturday. previews are the preceding friday and there are often REALLY good deals to be had. one of these days i'll photo and catalog all of our great scores but that will have to wait. now at this auction house, they occasionally have special auctions. sometimes the theme is guns, sometimes cars, sometimes kitschy collectibles. last weekend was dolls. while we were there looking for a bookshelf for the new house, we saw rows and rows of creepy little limp bodies laid out in their cardboard and cellophane coffins being poked, prodded, measured, and admired by equally creepy doll-aficionados. out of the impeccably tended cotton and porcelain stared the eeriest and most haunting doll face i think i've ever seen. i will call her REDRUM:

*shivers* moving on...

months ago while we were looking for a place to live when our lease was over, we looked at a cottage on the west side of the city. it was an old cottage that had been updated nicely but my attention was drawn to the thermostat. this thermostat is a therapists dream! public speaking make you queasy? tight spaces make your skin crawl? talking about emotions with family members make you want to hang yourself with your own intestines? change the dynamics of your comfort zone with a twist!
onward....

i've said it before but being a vegan cop on the overnight shift requires lots of planning and if one doesn't pack appropriate food and drink to last the entire night, there's little to be found in the wee hours. some 24 hour grocery stores, 7-11, dunkin donuts, walgreens, and a handful of other convenience stores are the only places where one might find sustenance and, for vegans, the pickin's are less than slim. i usually pack my own ground coffee and organic raw sugar in my thermos and use the hot water at the 7-11 to brew on the spot when my eyelids start drooping. one night this past week while my beverage was steeping, i spotted this "non-dairy creamer." the only caveat is the actual ingredients. i know it's hard to see (camera phones don't have a macro function) but the last line on the ingredient list reads: CONTAINS: MILK. wtf!?

and last but certainly not least....

tonight while we were at a local craft store (which was definitely NOT hobby lobby for obvious reasons) gathering supplies for making our christmas ornaments and gifts (*T&J, y'all are gonna LOVE your homemade decoration!*), i saw this:

that's right, they're knitting needles with battery powered LED lights in the tips! different colors, different sizes, all fun! never again will i rue the fading light whilst knitting. brilliant!

for now, that sufficiently depletes the reservoir of pointless and subjectless pictures i've been saving to share with you three or four loyal readers and may give a tiny glimpse of where i've been and what i've been up to since i last checked in.

be back soon,

~thorns

love that Family Guy

awesome clip. the back story...stewie, brian, and mort inadvertently use a time machine and end up in WWII Berlin...political commentary ensues.



~thorns

frivolous, needless, ridiculous, glorious self-indulgence

the way i see it, there are basically two categories of beer drinker. there are those who drink for flavor and those who drink for alcoholic impact. of course there are impact drinkers who appreciate flavor and flavor drinkers who appreciate a beer's impact, but by and large, the world is thusly divided. i align with the flavor drinkers. although i was born and bred on old milwaukee, my tastes have grown considerably more discriminating. as that is the case, i'm always looking for the perfect blend of malt, hops, flavorings, and alcohol content. it was that search that led me to a heavenly creation from Dogfish Head Brewery they call Punkin Ale.

**at this point you should stop reading, go to your nearest beer/wine/liquor merchant, purchase at least one bottle of this stuff, chill it to a few degrees below room temperature, pour into a draft glass, and savor the sweet, spicy goodness.**

and please forgive my brief tangent but....

(this is my "tangent" font) i can't say enough good things about Dogfish Head brewery and their products. they started small and honest, use organic and natural ingredients when possible, and let their consciousness and ambition spill into their community. they're always pushing to expand their repertoire and they produce great beer...not to mention that they once made a beer called "Golden Shower Imperial Pilsner." click around on their site, you'll be impressed too.

i first had the Punkin in 2002 while living in Frederick, MD and have marked the turning of seasons and the passage of the past 6 years by it's yearly limited production. i've basked lavishly in it's increasingly masterful harmony each year but this year, being 1,767 miles from the brewery in Milton, DE, i'd found it a little hard to come by. enter the savior that is internet commerce.

fortunately, the electronic age has spawned more inspired products than bootleg paris hilton porn and one example of such has come in the form of internet alcohol purveyors. sites like Liquid Solutions, Internet Wines & Spirits, Beer Geek, and Bottle Trek help connect lamenting (or lazy) drinkers with distant or particularly hard to find drinks from all over the world. so i placed an order for my beloved Punkin Ale and some other selections and waited. two weeks later, my package of liquid love arrived.

behold the contents ("the expurgated version") of my package-o-decadence...

yes, i do know how ridiculous it is and yes, i do know that there are many more intelligent ways to spend money but no, that didn't stop me.

for those that are really interested, I can give more detailed reviews of the beverages pictured here and, for my foodie friends, i'd like to point out that the Dogfish Head site offers pairing suggestions with their brew descriptions.

ok, now that i've drafted the first chapter of my autobiography, "the day i knew i was an alcoholic," i'll leave you all to happy surfing and sipping, whatever your libation may be.

cheers,
thorns