Wednesday, March 4, 2009

how do they know!?

one look at my junkmail inbox and it becomes clear that the omnipotent spam gods have looked straight into my soul and have sent me just the email i need to make my life complete again.

one example of their clairvoyance comes (every f'n day) in the form of career guidance. the four choices that have been laid out tarot-like for me are "Advance Your Career today with a Teaching Degree," "Earn Your Nursing Degree Today," "Make More $ Today as a Stay at Home Mom," and the one every day from Michael Vincent which proudly boasts, "I found you a new job." thanks for your diligence, Michael.

the next area where the gods shine is suggesting ways to improve my financial life. according to them, i'm apparently simultaneously facing foreclosure, currently in foreclosure, and looking for foreclosed home and they've sent me no shortage of emails to help me ameliorate all three conditions. this may be due in part to me not taking advantage of my "Totally Free Credit Report #256896643" or not heeding the advice given in such classics as , "Legally Erase Your Debt!"

lastly, the all-knowing ones are keenly aware of my romantic needs and subtly let me know daily that there are "Singles Wanted," and "Daters Wanted," in my area and i can "Email and Chat FREE" with them. if those solicitations weren't enticing enough, they've gone a step further and encouraged me not only to date but to "Find the One." they've also enlisted the help of someone named Li.N who targeted me specifically and sent me an email saying that she is "looking for an old fashoined honest descent man." i'll forgive the misspelling of fashioned but what is a "descent man?" i can only imagine it's a man who goes down. mistake or clever marketing? hrmmm.

perhaps my failures in the romantic realm can be attributed to wrinkles because i've been getting hints from the gods - "Best Anti-aging pill EVER! As seen on TV." guess all that moisturizing i do hasn't helped. well...at least they're finally happy with my penis size. but they are still concerned that i'm paying too much for printer ink and toner. it's a give and take, i suppose.

what are the gods saying to YOU these days?

~thorns

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

at least someone is happy with your penis size.